Hello lovely Readers
As promised in my last blogpost I wanted to share a few personal thoughts with you. Brace yourself – winter is coming haha just kidding but seriously though, brace yourself – it’s going to be a long ride.. I know I haven’t posted much lately but if you have been following me a little bit then you know by know that this tinly little space in this huge galaxy we call internet, is just a hobby. An outlet for hopefully nice style inspirations and occasionaly my thoughts.
So the reasen I’ve been m.i.a. this time is that I recently came out of a long term relationship and I’ve been feeling very lost ever since. I have to be honest with you and especially myself. I’ve lived a pretty steady life so far. Even though that might sound boring to you – it wasn’t. Because my life was always filled with amazing people, breathtaking moments and also huge freedom. So for a person like me, that always knew what came next, this new chapter of my life is very intimidating and I have to admit, at times pretty frightening. What I really apprechiate during this time are my friends and family. Let me tell you they couldn’t be more supportive of me. There is my friend Sarah for instance, even though I don’t text anybody very often at the moment she’s always the one reaching out to me asking how I was doing and even helping me with other personal stuff. Or there is my cousin Bianca who normally hates texting but texts me the whole time to ask me if I was okay and if we wanted to grab dinner together. Even just thinking about these people makes me happy. I know in my heart that I’ll never be alone but I can’t help but feel lonely at times. I guess that is normal after beeing used to a life together with your partner. But nobody wants to feel lonely, it just isn’t a nice feeling. Oh gosh this came out very negatively but try reading it in a more lighter tone maybe? It’s not supposed to be depressing, I’m just reflecting on life 🙂
Funny thing is that everyone tells me that this could be a wonderful time to competely focus on myself, my feelings, my needs etc. But honestly how the f*ck am I supposed to do that when I don’t even know what I want. I can’t be the only one with that problem. One of my favorite quotes from a movie is in fact from “Bruce Almighty” with Jim Carrey and Morgen Freeman (who plays God) and at one point God says “since when do people know what they want” I believe this to be completely true. People are always chasing this idea they have of a certain job, or certain partner etc. because they feel like they would be happy once found. But they often realize that this was not their key to happyness and that it’s not about a certain goal but rather about the path to get there. It’s the small moments that count.
So since I don’t know what I want or what type of person I wanna be, how do I figure this out? It’s not that I have a switch that magically turned on since the breakup. I mean I mostly know what person I am and I know that I want to be kind and compassionate, and loyal, and funny and happy but doesn’t everyone want that? I mean who doesn’t want to be nice? And yet there are so many horrendous things happening on this earth that make me question a lot of things. Like do we really give our best? Do we try hard enough to be the kind of people we really want to be? So I guess here is my chance to find out about me and yet here I am, sitting at home, eating ice cream and watching the kissing booth on netflix (go see it if you haven’t, such a sweet movie). Lol no but that isn’t entirely true, in fact I’m almost never home because at the moment I can’t bear the thought of sitting alone in my apartment. Too many memories, too quiet, too much life going on outside which I would ne missing (hello fomo). So instead of sitting at home alone watching netflix (see you in Novembery my old friend) I recently got back into the dating game. And let me tell you I could fill a book with all those stories already! Dating really has changed over the last years. Imagine before my last relationship there wasn’t even this little thing called tinder! And now you can go on vacation to Ibiza for instance and have a date there with someone you met on tinder! (I wouldn’t recommend doing that in a dark alley though, unless you wanna end up murdered – sorry, pretty dark humor). So yeah, I’ve had some veeeery good times but you know what I noticed? Guys are as complicated as women when it comes to what they want. Since day one there has been this prejudice that women cannot casually see someone without falling in love with them. And although it is widely accepted for a women to “casually date” someone, without beeing in a relationship – this prejudice still stands. I’ve had one guy I barely knew telling me he would have to be careful with me because he didn’t wanna break my heart. I was so confused in that moment thinking why would he assume that he would be the one breaking my heart? There are soo many guys out there with whom you can spend amazing moments together and then suddenly they grow cold and distant. And you’re like “but I didn’t do anything that could’ve possibly driven him away”. Of course I know all about the theory saying that once you get too attached you start behaving differently and you start giving too much investment and you’ll drive him away. But this is another cenario. This is a cenario where you just started seeing each other, no feelings involved yet. And you think you have a good time together when suddenly he pulls away. Now my theory is that in his mind he’s like “I can see that she really likes me and I like her too so this is a good time to pull away before she’ll fall in love with me and I won’t allow myself to fall in love with her because I’m not looking for a relationship so therefore I’m gonna break her heart and I don’t want that because I’m such a good guy so lemme pull away without telling her anything cause that’ll hurt less”. So they think they’re doing us poor women a favor when in fact they’re scared that they’re the ones who will end up falling in love. So I’m not saying that I’ve become an expert in those last two months but I defenitely see a pattern. Now let me get back to the “when you start investing too much, that’s when he’ll start pulling away”-part. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t get that part either. What is wrong with investing into something that maybe, just maybe one day could become something real? And again I’m not talking about investing to a crazy point like social-media stalking, non-stop texting, showing up at his favorite places, obsessive behavoir kind of investing (bc let’s be honest, we all joke about that but who really does that? We all have our own life and don’t even have the f*cking time to do that!) I’m talking about girl likes boy, boy likes girl, they spend time together and it’s great. And then when boy texts girl, she actually replies in a timly manner. And girl would ask if they would see each other in a few days etc. and then boy starts to disappear. And every guy will tell you “girl you scared him off, you were to agressiv. He wants to chase you and now that he has you, you’re not interesting anymore”. Seriously guys, are you f*cking kidding me? Just because a girl shows interest and actually wants to see you does not mean she wants a relationship with you or is already in love with you. I mean of course it could end there but it doesn’t have to, give yourself and the other person some time. There is no need to run away like a cry baby. I’m currently binge watching another movie on Netflix, it’s called Set it Up with Zoey Deutch (love her!) and she says “hard to get makes no sense. It’s evolutionarily unsound. Why would a cave man want a cave women wo’s like, go get me food and when you come back, maybe there will be a cave for you maybe there won’t be. Men should want women who keep the coziest warmest caves. Men want shelter” like do I need to say more? Isn’t it just a nice feeling when we know there is a person at home waiting for us, after a long day of work? Someone you can talk to about everything, understands you best and with whom you can truly be yourself? Why would anybody not want that? The point is, that we do not want that with just anybody. So many guys think that we women just jump on the next relationship with the first guy who is ready to invest in us. But attraction works both ways. If you actually value yourself then you don’t put up with everybody shit. I choose myself – everyday. If something or someone isn’t healthy for me or makes me feel bad then I just remove it from my life. It is such a shame that we feel like we have to hide our feelings at the beginning and play those stupid games instead of just beeing like “hey I like you, let’s find out if we coule be something together and if not we had a great time nevertheless”. And you know what I also don’t get? This whole “I can find someone better” mentality. And we are all guilty of that, I know. We are just never happy with anything, we always crave more and more. So instead of deepening our connection with someone we’re already interested in, we always think that there might be someone better out there. Complete BS if you ask me. And dangerous because if one day we realize that we miss this certain person it might be too late. But yeah it’s all about meeting new people and making great memories, getting out of the comfort zone and very importantly see this experiences as what they are, not failures but always lessons.
But if that’s the way it is nowadays, then fine. But don’t think there is a single bad thing in investing into a relationship. I belive in beeing passionate in everything I do, I give it my best, I give it 100%. I like to live life to the fullest. Know the sentence “in the end you only regret the chances you didn’t take”? I live by that. Some days more than others. Did I make a fool out of myself because of that? Yes, several times. But so what? My friends and I laugh about it now. Now I know that this kind of behaviour will drive a ton of men away but that’s okay. I don’t want to attract cowards anyway. So I will continue to be myself, ask a guy for a number if I feel like it. Because those small moments don’t mean anything yet. They could be the start of something big but they don’t have to. So next time when you feel like getting a hot dudes numer just ask him. As Robin Scherbatsky from HIMYM once said “if you have chemistry you only need one other thing – timing, but timing’s a bitch”. You see there are a million things that could go wrong with this guy and that are not in our power. So don’t be another one of them. Don’t be the problem, be the start.
So thanks for taking the time to read this and by the way, today is the Swiss national day! And also the Rosegold Diary’s second birthday! So Happy Birthday to me I guess haha 😀
With that said I wish you a lovely day or evening while I’m on my way to Antibes (France) for one week of sun, fun and relaxation! <3
Photos were taken by the very talented Lorena <3
I was wearing:
-Jeans skirt: Only
-Lace top: Abercrombie & Fitch
-Shoes: from a boutique in Greece
-Bag: Rebecca Minkoff