Hello lovely Readers
So in the last blogpost I talked a lot about dating. I now wanted to deepen the conversation a little bit and really get to the bottom of the whole love-thing (because those who know me, know that once a topic sparks my interest I like to dig deep and learn as much as I can about it). So I’ve recently done some more research in regards of this idea, fear or thought of not being enough without a partner at your side.
I was watching a Ted Talk recently, it’s by Teresa Rodriguez and she talks about the fear of being solo and how to conquer that. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Ted talks but they are so inspirational and there are so many of them, I bet you can find every topic. So anyway Teresa said something that stroke my mind and that I would like to share with you. Quote: “..we are so busy worrying about our future and afraid and regretting the decisions we’ve made in our past that do we rarely step into this place we are just happy..” I relate so much to this it’s crazy because if I’m being honest I always look forward to something but I’m never happy with the situation I’m currently in. Like I would look forward to this trip or this party or this dinner but once I’m there it’s already not enough anymore. Like it’s pleasant but there’s always something better around the corner. Do you know what I mean? Just stop for a minute and think about it.
Another ted talk I watched was about millennials dating. Initially it’s about dating being dead but as the talk proceeds we discover that dating is just different. With all the tools we have at our disposal we can reach people all over the world (talk about selection). It’s how we use them that counts. It’s not about reaching out to someone on tinder saying “hey, what’s up?” everyone can do that. But what most of the people cannot do, is making a meaningful connection. Which got me thinking; are we even capable of connecting with people anymore on a deeper level? And not just in dating but in general.. seems to me that we like to have it easy and not put the extra effort in, to get to actually know someone anymore. We all have our lives and our friends and hobby’s.. but are we open to new connections? Honestly I don’t think so. I mean of course it depends on the character and I also meet people from time to time who seem genuinely interested in getting to know me or my friends. But generally spoken I feel like the conversations when you meet new people are nothing more than smalltalk. Like the purpose of this conversation is not to get to know someone but rather to pass time until we talk to someone we already know again. We all seem to think that we’re special. So when someone doesn’t show the interest in us we think we deserve, we just move on and are like “okay it’s his/her loss – I’m not looking for new friends so what do I care?” Who does actually pursue a friendship anymore? Like when you meet someone and you both share a connection and make plans to hang out sometimes because you really had a great time. Such plans are made everyday but most of them are just huge BS. Because in the end we’re not the ones who want to reach out to this other person. We want the other person to reach out to us, because we don’t wanna seem vulnerable – like we are looking for new friends. Because that would mean we don’t have enough friends and that would make us losers (which by the way is completely untrue, I’d rather have 5 real friends than 20 fake ones).
Coming out of a long term relationship I realize that the dynamic between me and some friends has changed. Obviously when you’re in a relationship you don’t spend as much time with your friends as supposed to when your single. So once you’re single again you discover that some friendships are long gone and you just haven’t realized it because you were too busy and were not putting any effort in them. So if you then say you want to make new friends that is great – but it’s not easy. There’s a common misconception that once we’re adults our inner circle of people/friends is complete and we’re not looking to make new connections anymore. Like I said, nobody wants to seem needy or wants to be pitied. Although I recently discovered, that this fear isn’t accurate at all. I’ve met amazing people those last couple months and many of them are actually glad for someone reaching out to them. In fact, many of us are lonely but are too scared to reach out because of the fear of being rejected. I recently discussed with a new friend that it’s not just our believe but also the logistical problem of finding new friends in adulthood. I mean where do we even meet people who have the potential to be our friends? In our opinion there were three options; work, hobbies or through mutual friends. I don’t think that you meet friends in a bar or on tinder (although everything is possible) so you see there aren’t many chances. And we’re also very selective when it comes to who we let into our lives. And that is a big one for me as well. Although I’m open to letting new friends into my live, I won’t just let anybody in. Maybe that is a luxury problem because I’m really happy with my friends situation but we have to really think about what people we want to be around.
So if finding the perfect friend is already that difficult, imagine finding the perfect partner. Finding our soulmate, as some of us like to describe it. But have you ever thought about where this idea of having a soulmate comes from? I actually quite like the story explained in Plato’s the Symposium: Soulmates were invented by the Greek Mythology where humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. So basically our sole purpose in life is to find our missing part, which obviously makes sense because we cannot live if we’re not hole right? Therefore we spend our lives frenetically searching for the missing part and when we think we found it, we want to chase it down and tie the knot as soon as possible in order to make it impossible for them to leave. And how do we make sure that they won’t leave us? In the only (not illegal) way possible we know = marriage. Marriage gives us this kind of security that we will be with our partner until the day we die. Funny thing is; that ca. 50% of said marriages end up getting divorced. Unfortunately marriage is therefore not a guarantee we will not end up alone at some point in our live. So why do we still want to get married?
Justice Anthony Kennedy said this in relation to gay marriage (which is obviously the same for all marriages in my opinion) Quote: “..Marriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out only to find no one there. It offers the hope of companionship and understanding and assurance that while both still live, there will be someone to care for the other..”
And to me this is a beautiful thought but the reality looks different. The hard work doesn’t end after having met “your soulmate” and having married them, it begins afterwards, in everyday life. Remember, this is not a Fairytale where the story ends with the marriage. Funny thing is, when thinking about those Fairytales we all loved when we were young (dips on Aurora, she’s already my favorite Disney Princess you can’t have her) all those stories tell us is: “Get married and you’ll live happily ever after and you’ll never be alone again” well wouldn’t that just be awesome? Sure it’s a nice thought.. but how come we never get to hear Fairytales about single people? Or unmarried people? Then again what kind of story would that be? “Snow White bit into the venomous apple but having had CPR in his driving license course her friend the dwarf pulled out the pice of apple that got stuck into Snow’s throat and everything was back to normal. ” Ha Ha.. So in my opinion what is missing in this story, is the magic. The magic that takes us to another world for a few minutes or hours. The kind of magic that makes a story into a Fairytale and that makes us believe in something greater than just everyday life. And what is this magic you may ask – it’s love. Love is still the first word that comes into mind when talking about magic, or at least in my case. Maybe it is indeed real magic (if you believe in that) and maybe magic related to love is just a description of how love makes us feel: invincible…. I still remember how the kids I used to babysit’s eyes lid up overtime I would read them a story from the Fairytale book. Sure a story about a Princess that got into Harward Medical School would be inspiring too for little kids but it wouldn’t be magic. And don’t we all need a little magic in our lives from time to time?
I would like to conclude with a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time. Maybe you know it, maybe you don’t (it’s from 1997) and it’s called The Mirror has two faces with Barbara Streisand and Jeff Bridges. In one or her lectures Barbara’s character talks about marriage and love and this monologue is pure movie gold: “.. it’s like going to the movies and we see the lovers on screen kiss, the music swells and we buy it right? So when my date takes me home and kisses me good night if I don’t hear the philharmonic in my head I dump him! Haha! Now the question is, why do we buy it? We buy it because wether it’s a myth or a manipulation let’s face it; we all wanna fall in love. Right? Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive, where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon but that doesn’t diminish its value. Because we’re left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives. I read an article a while ago that said, when we fall in love we hear Puccini in our heads. I love that. I think it’s because his music fully expresses our longing for passion in our lives and romantic love. And while we’re listening to La Bohème or Turandot, or reading Wuthering Heights or watching Casablanca, a little bit of that love lives in us too. So, the final questions is; why do people wanna fall in love when it can have such a short shelf life and be devastatingly painful? I think it’s because – as some of you may already know – while it does last, it feels fucking great. That’s why!”
As always, have a wonderful evening and talk to you soon <3
Photos were taken by the very talented Lorena <3
I was wearing:
-Shoes: from a boutique in Italy
-Hat: Can’t remember sorry..